I've always been a planner. I'd love to sit here and say that I'm the queen of spontaneity and that I'm all about going with the flow. But who am I kidding? I LOVE when everything is clear, coordinated and organized in advance. Given this, I always thought I would be the first bride in the history of the universe to never get stressed out about wedding planning. Well, the joke was on me. I love wedding planning and I can't wait for my wedding day (198 sleeps away but who's counting?) but I am also overwhelmed and stressed trying to organize a lot of the logistics.
And guess what, that's OK.
When people ask me how wedding planning is going there are a few standard responses that I usually give:
"It's going great! I'm still nailing down a few details but overall we're in good shape."
"Fantastic! We wanted a long engagement so I've had tons of time to plan."
And while those statements aren't untrue, they also don't fully and accurately relay how I always feel about wedding planning. A more honest answer might sound something like this:
"It's going well. I'm still trying to confirm a few key vendors, so that's been weighing on me. It seems like every time I cross something off my to-do list I have about 10 more items that magically appear. It can be overwhelming and there are some days where I would love to leave work and not come home to a whole new batch of emails and phone calls that I have to respond to, but all in all I can't complain. I know it will all be worth it and I am having fun, but at the moment it's kind of overwhelming."
And just like I have my standard responses to wedding planning questions, I've noticed that there are some pretty consistent "pieces of advice" that keep coming my way, solicited or not. After I give my brief blurb about how the wedding is shaping up I usually get hit with something along these lines:
"Remember it's only one day. It's a big day, but still, only one day."
"Remember to have some fun with it!"
"The day is going to be such a blur so don't stress the details, you're the only person who will actually notice a lot of them."
Now, I am not mocking or putting down anyone who has given me these answers. They are valid and kind sentiments and I know they were shared with the best of intentions! However, I've found myself stuck in this weird cycle of loving wedding planning, stress and all, but feeling awkward about admitting that I am anything less than ecstatic and obsessed with the entire process for fear of being judged or lectured about how wedding planning can or should be. When people say "it's only one day" (as if I didn't know this??) it makes it seem as if they're implying I'm foolish or irrational for placing so much stress and importance on just one day. Yes, it is only one day. But it's one huge day. I know the general sentiment behind the "it's only one day" quip is to keep things in focus and not lose sight of the purpose of the day--kicking off a marriage-- but I'm tired of feeling belittled for valuing and prioritizing that one big day.
Weddings are personal and guess what, so is wedding planning. You are crafting a day that you have looked forward to and dreamed about for most of your life. You're coordinating the event that will literally bring together all of the people in the world who mean the most to you and your significant other. It is thrilling and exciting and special... and a whole lot of pressure. Pressure to please everyone. Pressure to stay within your budget. Pressure to be unique and creative. Pressure to show off what a calm, cool and collected bride you are.
I've toyed with sharing a lot of these thoughts and feelings with you guys for a while and something just clicked today so I decided to pull the trigger. Why do I care if people know that wedding planning is stressing me out? That doesn't mean I'm not having fun with it. It doesn't mean any aspect of the planning process is spiraling out of control or falling apart--on the contrary, most of my stress is rooted in my (obsessive) attention to detail and clear vision of how my fiancé and I want our big day to go. And it certainly doesn't mean that I am not over the moon, jumping out of my skin excited for the big day..... because I am.
It means that I'm human. It means that my fiancé and I both have full time jobs and we aren't devoting 100% of our time to wedding planning. It means that we want our wedding day to perfect and magical, but we're also in touch with reality (and our budget) so there are some aspects of planning that require extra creativity and attention.
Wedding planning is a job in and of itself so coming home after work and instantly jumping into all of the wedding correspondences I need to catch up on isn't always my dream way of unwinding at the end of the day. I've felt this weird bride-to-be guilt when it comes to opening up about any sort of wedding related stress because I've seen how quickly and abruptly people misinterpret that stress, no matter how valid and warranted it may be.
Brides-to-be always share the fun, cute details of the planning process because that's what people want to see! I know those are certainly the only photos and snapshots of planning that I've shared. People want to see you dress shopping, brunching with your bridesmaids and designing gorgeous invitation suites. What people don't want to see (or hear about) are the Sunday afternoons spent bent over a computer trying to format and design the address labels for your save the dates. People don't ask about all the phone calls and emails that go into booking wedding hotel blocks or transportation for the wedding party. Ironically, the nitty gritty details of the day that people don't care to ask about are likely the things that will make your wedding day go off smoothly and without a hitch.
Believe me when I say that I am truly loving planning my wedding. Any stress that I may be feeling does not negate my joy in planning the best day of my life. My fiancé and I have a vision for how we want the day to feel, look, and unfold and we are actively and effectively working with our vendors and coordinator to make that vision come to life! We love being engaged and this phase in our relationship has been my favorite by far. We're keeping ourselves focused on the fact that while our wedding is "only one day" it is an important, symbolic and meaningful day at the beginning of a new chapter in our relationship.
I guess my main goal in sharing all of this is to lift some of the weight off of my chest, sure, but I also want to shout-out any fellow brides-to-be. I want to let you know that it's OK if your version of wedding planning doesn't solely consist of you on the couch with a glass of wine, a wedding magazine, a face mask and not an ounce of stress. A lot of the time wedding planning means answering emails on your phone while you're in line at the grocery store. Wedding planning can be sneaking away from your desk at work for 10 minutes to finally talk with that vendor who you've been trying to get a hold of for weeks. Whatever your version of wedding planning looks like, own it and don't let anxiety about other people (possibly) thinking you're a sub-par bride for showing any signs of stress deter you from being open and real about your experience.
Here's to all of the blood, sweat, and coffee that goes into bringing your best day every to life. And here's to always keeping it real, even 'real' is not necessarily what people want to hear.
